Happy almost Valentines Day lovers! I don’t mean that facetiously. I actually love this adorable, hallmark day. It’s so cute and sweet and dove chocolate. This day always makes me give a hard look at my love life (or lack thereof) and start to ask more questions, better questions and how to better myself and my future relationships. A real theme has started to emerge for me over the past few months so I have decided to be super open and honest (which is giving me nausea) and impart a tiny bit of wisdom on how to stand up for yourself and without feeling like a looney toon. This is for the girl or guy who is fearful of speaking up and saying what they want/need out loud.
Disclaimer: Dating has always been an enigma to me. Sometimes I feel like I’m on a roll and other times when flings/things end, I feel like I end up in the corner with a dunce hat on my head with the expression of a confused Little Rascal. So, please take anything I say with a grain of salt. This is all from one person’s meandering experience. I digress, here is how to not hate yourself when you want to speak up:
“Don’t be that girl” was a cute little phrase my mom used to say to me growing up. I don’t think she really knew what it meant. She probably heard it on the Real Housewives and coined it for her daily routine. I followed suit. I never wanted to be THAT girl. I guess we all have our idea of what “that girl” is. I certainly have had my ideas and have been terrified of ever becoming her, that I am pretty sure I totally neglected myself when it came to love. I was at a party a few weeks ago and I was talking to one of my guy friends and he was telling me about what he likes in women. “I actually like crazy”, he said as he took another chug out of his solo cup. (No this wasn’t a college party. Just a solo cup.) My eyes grew wider as I stared deeper into his when I asked back “…what do you mean by crazy?” It was the first time I had ever heard a guy, or anyone for that matter, say that they LIKED crazy. How many times have I heard someone give a reason for a break up by saying that their former sweetheart was actually “crazy”. Side note- I hate that word. Stop saying everyone is crazy unless it is truly warranted. He swallowed his moderately priced beer and said “I don’t know, I kinda like someone yelling at me on the porch at 4am.” This is when my brain actually just exploded. Was he serious? I was always told “DON’T EVER DO THAT”. I guess his opinion is a bit extreme and everyone has their own little things that they love, but it got me to thinking, like Carrie Bradshaw…..wait I should rephrase this with: I couldn’t help but wonder- is “crazy” behavior winning over peaceful discord?
I started to backtrack in my romantic past and realized that I felt as though people apparently have two options of how they are identified: crazy or cool. I guess I can say with some shame that I have played the role of the cool girl. Who is the cool girl?
Cool girl never lets you know how she’s feeling. Cool girl goes with the flow and won’t stress a specific opinion of how she would like the night plans to go. She will sit around, smoke a bowl, laugh at bad jokes, play a video game, and basically be a dude without a penis. I’ve done some of that. I won’t play video games though, I am horrible at them and I have the attention span of a two year old after snorting a pixie stick. I guess in my mind frame, I was terrified of seeming too “high-maintenance” or “annoying” so I became “chill”. Turns out “chill” can “kill” the respect one should have for you. I didn’t learn this until much later, but it’s true. There is a cool girl and a “crazy” girl in all of us. I tend to lean toward the more chill nights than the crazy nights downtown at random clubs where you need 18 passwords and the blood of your drunk friend who never left the pre-game to get in. That’s just me, though. I actually really do love “eating a sandwich”(good on you for getting that reference) and watching a funny movie or tv show. I could do that 24/7 and feel absolutely no shame with that…Don’t worry, I like to go out and explore the world as well. However, I was always afraid to voice that for fear of seeming too high maintenance (ridiculous I know). The problem is that can lead to absolutely nowhere. I always feared, “What if he thinks I expect too much?” “Does he even care that I want to go to that weird, white, ball pit that kind of looks like a futuristic beach town?” So I remained in my cool girl hazmat suit and replied with “I honestly don’t care, we can do anything.” I said that once on a second date and the guy looked at me and said “Just so you know, people actually like boundaries. People want to know what you expect from them. It’s actually really sexy.” I was like “Ok, weird guy” and never texted him back again. He was right, though. You have to voice what you want and expect out of ANY relationship in your life. It’s vital to voice your opinions, feelings and expectations because that is when you will find exactly what you deserve. Right, Aaron Burr? This is when half of you are reading this and going “fucking duh, Rach” but I’m a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to some things and speaking up is under that umbrella, so sue me.
Back to the guy who loves crazy girls, he doesn’t. He loves someone who will fight for him. I get that. You have to fight for what you want unless it’s evident that they don’t want the same thing. Tricky. It’s super vulnerable and painful to put yourself out there like that and not have it reciprocated. That honestly makes me want to lock myself in my room and never emerge. Don’t worry, I emerge. My dog doesn’t have the strongest bladder. It’s finding the happy medium for yourself. Set boundaries and realistic expectations for what you want and need in a relationship. Don’t be afraid of seeming one way or another. Start to practice not totally caring what the other guy/girl will think of you. Just know that with dating and relationships, you can’t really take it all so personally. Let that one digest for a bit… you’ll start to see what I mean more and more. Be so honest that it feels uncomfortable. If they ask what you want to do, tell them in detail. If they say something douchey/bitchy…DEFINITELY tell them….in detail. If it feels too uncomfortable for you, start practicing with the people you love and trust in your life. They will be so proud of you! It will feel like you're going to vomit but once you pop, you can’t stop. Truly speak that fucking truth. It's important to let it out because leaving it bottled up will lead you to take it out on the wrong people or things... like your pretty china in your sink.
(i did that. don't do that)
But listen, if you still feel like fighting, screaming or stalking won’t help the situation, you’re probably right. It doesn’t. It’s like the great Taylor Swift says, “Boys only want love if it’s torture.” But don’t worry, men don’t ;).
