I Drove Myself Crazy Trying Not To Be the Crazy Girl

Happy almost Valentines Day lovers! I don’t mean that facetiously. I actually love this adorable, hallmark day. It’s so cute and sweet and dove chocolate. This day always makes me give a hard look at my love life (or lack thereof) and start to ask more questions, better questions and how to better myself and my future relationships. A real theme has started to emerge for me over the past few months so I have decided to be super open and honest (which is giving me nausea) and impart a tiny bit of wisdom on how to stand up for yourself and without feeling like a looney toon. This is for the girl or guy who is fearful of speaking up and saying what they want/need  out loud. 

Disclaimer: Dating has always been an enigma to me. Sometimes I feel like I’m on a roll and other times when flings/things end, I feel like I end up in the corner with a dunce hat on my head with the expression of a confused Little Rascal. So, please take anything I say with a grain of salt. This is all from one person’s meandering experience. I digress, here is how to not hate yourself when you want to speak up:

“Don’t be that girl” was a cute little phrase my mom used to say to me growing up. I don’t think she really knew what it meant. She probably heard it on the Real Housewives and coined it for her daily routine. I followed suit. I never wanted to be THAT girl. I guess we all have our idea of what “that girl” is. I certainly have had my ideas and have been terrified of ever becoming her, that I am pretty sure I totally neglected myself when it came to love. I was at a party a few weeks ago and I was talking to one of my guy friends and he was telling me about what he likes in women. “I actually like crazy”, he said as he took another chug out of his solo cup. (No this wasn’t a college party. Just a solo cup.) My eyes grew wider as I stared deeper into his when I asked back “…what do you mean by crazy?” It was the first time I had ever heard a guy, or anyone for that matter, say that they LIKED crazy. How many times have I heard someone give a reason for a break up by saying that their former sweetheart was actually “crazy”. Side note- I hate that word.  Stop saying everyone is crazy unless it is truly warranted. He swallowed his moderately priced beer and said “I don’t know, I kinda like someone yelling at me on the porch at 4am.” This is when my brain actually just exploded. Was he serious? I was always told “DON’T EVER DO THAT”. I guess his opinion is a bit extreme and everyone has their own little things that they love, but it got me to thinking, like Carrie Bradshaw…..wait I should rephrase this with: I couldn’t help but wonder- is “crazy” behavior winning over peaceful discord? 

I started to backtrack in my romantic past and realized that I felt as though people apparently have two options of how they are identified: crazy or cool. I guess I can say with some shame that I have played the role of the cool girl. Who is the cool girl? 

Cool girl never lets you know how she’s feeling. Cool girl goes with the flow and won’t stress a specific opinion of how she would like the night plans to go. She will sit around, smoke a bowl, laugh at bad jokes, play a video game, and basically be a dude without a penis. I’ve done some of that. I won’t play video games though, I am horrible at them and I have the attention span of a two year old after snorting a pixie stick. I guess in my mind frame, I was terrified of seeming too “high-maintenance” or “annoying” so I became “chill”. Turns out “chill” can “kill” the respect one  should have for you. I didn’t learn this until much later, but it’s true. There is a cool girl and a “crazy” girl in all of us. I tend to lean toward the more chill nights than the crazy nights downtown at random clubs where you need 18 passwords and the blood of your drunk friend who never left the pre-game to get in. That’s just me, though. I actually really do love “eating a sandwich”(good on you for getting that reference) and watching a funny movie or tv show. I could do that 24/7 and feel absolutely no shame with that…Don’t worry, I like to go out and explore the world as well. However, I was always afraid to voice that for fear of seeming too high maintenance (ridiculous I know). The problem is that can lead to absolutely nowhere. I always feared, “What if he thinks I expect too much?” “Does he even care that I want to go to that weird, white, ball pit that kind of looks like a futuristic beach town?” So I remained in my cool girl hazmat suit and replied with “I honestly don’t care, we can do anything.” I said that once on a second date and the guy looked at me and said “Just so you know, people actually like boundaries. People want to know what you expect from them. It’s actually really sexy.” I was like “Ok, weird guy” and never texted him back again. He was right, though. You have to voice what you want and expect out of ANY relationship in your life. It’s vital to voice your opinions, feelings and expectations because that is when you will find exactly what you deserve. Right, Aaron Burr? This is when half of you are reading this and going “fucking duh, Rach” but I’m a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to some things and speaking up is under that umbrella, so sue me. 

Back to the guy who loves crazy girls, he doesn’t. He loves someone who will fight for him. I get that. You have to fight for what you want unless it’s evident that they don’t want the same thing. Tricky. It’s super vulnerable and painful to put yourself out there like that and not have it reciprocated. That honestly makes me want to lock myself in my room and never emerge. Don’t worry, I emerge. My dog doesn’t have the strongest bladder. It’s finding the happy medium for yourself. Set boundaries and realistic expectations for what you want and need in a relationship. Don’t be afraid of seeming one way or another. Start to practice not totally caring what the other guy/girl will think of you. Just know that with dating and relationships, you can’t really take it all so personally. Let that one digest for a bit… you’ll start to see what I mean more and more. Be so honest that it feels uncomfortable. If they ask what you want to do, tell them in detail. If they say something douchey/bitchy…DEFINITELY tell them….in detail. If it feels too uncomfortable for you, start practicing with the people you love and trust in your life. They will be so proud of you! It will feel like you're going to vomit but once you pop, you can’t stop. Truly speak that fucking truth. It's important to let it out because leaving it bottled up will lead you to take it out on the wrong people or things... like your pretty china in your sink. 

                                                            (i did that. don't do that)

But listen, if you still feel like fighting, screaming or stalking won’t help the situation, you’re probably right. It doesn’t. It’s like the great Taylor Swift says, “Boys only want love if it’s torture.” But don’t worry, men don’t ;). 

You Think You're Jim and Pam but....

    "That's so us." - Said every couple when The Office premiered and we saw the magical romantic journey of Jim and Pam. I think people also did this with The Notebook but... come on.. a boat ride with Ryan Gosling surrounded by weird looking swans and actual goslings? Nobody has had that. Back to J and P- America watched as Jim played his cards better than Bobby Fischer (or chess pieces?) and won the heart of Pam through brilliant subtlety, a lot of heart and flashing this charming half smile take to the camera with just enough hope and promise in his eyes to believe working in an office for nine years aint so bad after all...

    "We are so Jim and Pam"  became a lovely validation for romantic relationships and in a beautiful sense, people truly followed their hearts in real life. Yes, some of you out there are definitely a spawn of P and J (I just realized they are PB and J.. having a moment) and I congratulate you! However, some of you are not. 

    There are the unsung heroes of this brilliant sitcom that may be able to give you an idea of where your relationship actually stands, and they are Ryan and Kelly. The tumultuous, inconsistent, and deceitful relationship is actually more real and normal than you think. Everyone thinks they are PB and J, but sometimes, you're Ryan and Kelly. I am not saying couples are one or the other; some fall right in the middle. But what I am saying is, here is how to tell the difference:

1. If your SO doesn't know your middle name after over a year of dating---> R&K

   

   My friend's mom once said, if he/she doesn't know your middle name after a month of dating, get the hell outta dodge. I believe in that. Get to know your person before they really reveal themselves (and they turn out to be the worst). Before you know it, it's too late and you're stuck going to their weird sorority sisters/frat bros wedding. 

2. If you high five just a little too much for all the things---> R&K

   

    High fives are cute. They are cute when you decide on what restaurant to order from on Seamless, or figure out a really adult life lesson together, or even get your pup to learn how to sit. They are not cute when you are sweeping problems under a rug and calling a truce. They are not cute when you both find out that you hate the same person. They are SUPER not cute after a great romp in the sheets everytime (unless it's totally awesome/mind blowing, then slap skin away!;) ). But don't even get me started on high fiving after a DTR. 

3. If you come home after a long, hard day and dinner is on the table---> PB&J

    

     Even if you can't cook, even if it's take out, it's the beautiful thought that you want to bring comfort and love to the person you love the most! Fuck, make PB&J with some goldfish. See what I did there? My friend, who is only known for making (DELICIOUS might I add) stove top popcorn,  hunkered down and made a full blown feast for her hubby one night and it was so appreciated. I'm not sure if they high fived, but I am sure their love grew even more that night. 

4. You instagram their face with a #mcm/#wcw every other day---> I'm gonna say R&K (unless it's actually on the appropriate day)

  

   Some say that if you post too much about your SO, there is trouble in paradise. I am torn on this one. Some are just very happy and want to share with the world that they found their Jim! or Pam! I do think if you need to feel validated by your other half by being featured on their social media, it's probably not the healthiest. I say share away, but leave some sweet, intimate, and cute moments for yourselves. You'll cherish it more. 

5. You only see each other after 11pm. ---> do I need to explain this one?

6. You are totally ok and happy to be the beautiful dork that you are with them---> PB&J

     We are all so worried about appearing cool nowadays. We want our SO to think we are cool, chill, fun.. whatever adjective falls under that theme. When you can strip the cool girl/cool guy armor and be your dorky, weird, nerdtastic self, you know you have the real thing. We are often too worried about what the other will think on the first few dates. Normal. I say, go be 100% you. If you are a closet dork, come out of the closet and see if you can find your other half! Brene Brown has said "Being cool is the emotional straight jacket" Don't be cool. Be you. If your dorky SO loves you that much more for it, you hit the fucking jackpot.

7. He/She only calls when they need something---> R&K

    If "hey babe, where are you right now?" is the first thing you have heard from them in 72 hours, don't respond. Throw your phone in the ocean, run away, change your name, start another life. Or just tell them to fuck off.

8. They go above and beyond to know that they love you ---> TRICK ANSWER

     This could go either way. If they are planning a surprise trip or taking you on a surprise date night to all of your favorite places without needing anything in return, or doing it to make up for being a shit head, you have a lovely person. Keep them and do the same for them at some point. If, they have been a dick, and you did all of the above in #7, and then they show up with a mini horse at your door,  that is NOT sweet or cute! You are Ryan and Kelly and shit's about to get weird and very unfortunate. 

9. You know that even if everything seems to be going wrong in your life, you have your person at the end of the day and it makes it all ok. ---> PB&J (is anyone craving this sandwich now? brb)

    Life is hard. Life can get long. Sometimes it's overwhelming and you just want to figure it all out in a day. You can't, though, and you probably won't for a while (hindsight is AWESOME though). What helps is knowing that, even when things become too much to bare, you have your person who makes you feel like it will be ok with them by your side. Maybe they make you drop everything and take you to breakfast for dinner, or they hold you and tell you your hair smells great, or they have an outside perspective that helps you realize it will work out the way it should and you are way better off than you think. That is real stuff and if you have that, don't let that go. Life only gets harder unfortunately. REALITY! SORRY ABOUT IT.

10. They still give you butterflies even after all this time ---> another trick answer!

      Buddha has said that the strongest relationships don't give you butterflies at all. They make you feel grounded, safe, and comfortable. That said, if they still give you those feelings you felt after the first kiss, you're in it for the long haul. If those 'feelings' or butterflies turn into major anxiety, nervous tummies, and raging headaches, that's not love. That's an abundance of no. Try to decide what is worth it for you. If your physical health feels like it declines every time you haven't heard from them, or if you feel like the words that come out of their mouths are complete lies, they probably are. Trust your gut. It's so hard because your brain knows but your heart doesn't want it to be so. Trust yourself. Who am I to say anything, though? Both couples ended up happily ever after so take all of this with a rock of salt. Enjoy your life, lovebirds.

Santa Con Survival

Attention all Non-Basics!  In case you haven't checked your Facebook status because you are enjoying this lovely December summer day, we would like to remind you that today is SantaCon!

This is a formal warning to all manhattan natives that our tiny little island will be overrun by the B&T's.  Long Island and Jersey are ready to have a field day on our asses!  They will stop at NOTHING to douche up the holidays by ordering rounds of Jagerbombs, using anywhere and anything as a toilet, and Scream Slurring for hours.  You can guarantee that there will be at least 100 bags of douches dressed as slutty reindeer or sexy santas in a drunk tank or being held in a jail cell for fighting and acting like the sluttiest amish person on Rumspringa before all of the alcohol in the world VANISHES!

As a warning, you must be prepared to witness the worst thing to happen to Christmas since the death of JonBenét.  You will Santa like you've never seen him before.


  There will be Steroid Santas:

The Steroid Santa is feeling super pumped from his cross fit training this morning and can't wait to down some fucking shots brah! Sssherioushly.  He's usually hiding his homosexuality behind a jacked body and "surfer boy" voice affect.  Little does he know that he looks like the poster boy for SCRUFF.  Steroid Santa can be seen looking at himself in the mirror behind the bar,  Picking fights with other Steroid Santas (Cruising), or picking up their drunk girlfriend Ash (Short for Ashley) off the ground while she scrambles to look for her light up reindeer antlers.

On your subway ride today, it is guaranteed that you will run into a few Selfie Santas:

As if this basic ass craze couldn't get any more terrible and embarrassing, why not shamelessly show your ass hole to the world in a santa suit in the middle of Times Square.  The female Selfie Santas do tend to be a little more aggressive in my experience.  Although male Selfie Santas are a dime a dozen, the aggression of the female Selfie Santa is much more ferocious.  She will make sure that no one moves until she has the perfect Skinny Arm, her Santa Hat is flipped to her good side, and her bottle of Blue Moon is showing.  These Selfie Santas are the least self aware of all Santas so there is no reasoning with them.  Instead, ignore them until they go away like all Attention Monsters.

Now, as a Non-Basic, you may still be pissed that you are finding glitter in your apartment from Halloween this year, but these next Santas use SantaCon as one last hurrah to wear as little as possible and not feel guilty for sleeping with three people in one night.  This year I predict major influxes in Slutty Santas:

The Slutty Santa tribe doesn't believe in winter weight.  They have worked through Cuffing Season to maintain their hot summer bods and have gotten full body waxes in preparation for today.  It seems like the fates are on their sides.( Personally, I think this sudden climate change stuff isn't just about the world ending and polar bears dying.  I think this sudden increase in temperature is Gods funny little way of saying, "Hey sluts, go get some."  You know?  ...Just me?)

The Slutty Santas are great because they are full of life and energy and Christmas Cheer until they have that onnnnnneee drink too many.  They usually start the day early and are spirited and hellish, but after hours and hours of perching on bars, sucking in their stomachs and flexing through the carbonated beer, they start to lose their steam.  Around 10:00 PM you may spot a number of Slutty Santas falling asleep at bars on Tinder, trying to get Uber to work, or crying in a doorframe outside begging to go home with a Steroid Santa.  May all of you Slutty Santas be safe and wrap your candy canes before running sleigh rides on each other.

The enemy to the Slutty Santa, besides clothing of course, is the Senseless Santa:

The people that fall under the category of Sensless Santa wouldn't even know they fell under it.  THATS how senseless these Santas are!   They are the dads of the girls who SantaCon was invented for.  They are the "Beth" of your friend group (Everyone has a Beth, she's a natural puss face with food allergies and always wants to go home early. She is "nice."). They are the underaged idiots that think that tonight, of all nights, their brother or sisters ID will work.  These Senseless Santas can be seen on any wall at any time or going to the bathroom to actually use it instead of snorting a line off of Frosty the Snowman's carrot nose.  These Santas hold coats and props for the Slutty Santa and Selfie Santa friends, they are drinking Bud Light at the bar alone, or spend the entire day walking up and down Eighth Avenue.  You just want to help them out and tell them to go home.  As a whole, they are a pretty harmless tribe, but they will kill the vibe of the more celebrated Santas with boredom or creepiness.  As a non basic, you can sometimes use a Senseless Santa to your advantage to combat an influx of those more celebrated Santas.

While our main concern is with those not celebrating SantaCon.  We do urge all of you Basics to avoid becoming a Suspended Santa:

Any of the aforementioned Santas can easily become a Suspended Santa by the end of the night.  The mixture of Christmas Spirit and Fireball Shots gives a false sense of hope and invincibility to the Suspended Santas.  They lose all respect for themselves, their friends and people around them and authority figures.  Suspended Santas often wear metal cuffs around their white santa coat cuffs and enjoy being pushed against cars and screaming.  If you have become a Suspended Santa, there is no hope for you.  You have ruined the night and you are the douchebag of douchebags.  

As the Sun begins to set at 4:00 PM on this scorching December Holiday Bar crawl evening.  Remember, if there is an emergency and you live in Midtown or the Meatpacking District, you may seek shelter anywhere above 125th street.  Harlem is the least popular area in terms of Santa activity because studies have shown that SantaCon is a mostly Caucasian ass event.  May all Santas that celebrate work hard to stay on Santa's Good List and remember, if you see any of the aforementioned Santas on the street, on the subway or coming near you or your family.  RUN.  Run for the protection of your coolness and towards the promise of never being basic!!!

Happy Cuffing Season!

We've all felt it. As your summer glass of provence-y rosé slowly turns to a tear filled glass of extra thick eggnog and loneliness, we realize all of the slutty slutty feelings we were having before are slowly turning into dreams and visions of a partner and monogamy.  Suddenly those hysterically empowering one night stands and the walks of shame seem embarrassing and infantile.  You yearn for something more and you are not the only one.  Even the sluttiest boys and girls of summer have started shacking up and feeling the wrath of cuffing season.  Cuffing season has been described as the period of time when people who would normally be promiscuous, look to settle down with ( and sometimes physically settle for) a partner to survive winter with.   Much like a squirrel gathers its nuts, the single men and women of the world are looking to tie down that GUUD GUUD before winters wrath really takes over.  Before fully committing to that one person to share the next few months with, make sure you follow some of the requirements for a successful cuffing season.

1. Be an adult, not a dick.

Going from a slew of summer hotties to one winter partner can be a difficult decision.   Although some studies may show cuff behavior in children as young as high school, you want to make sure you aren't stuck with a total Peter Pan, or Daddy's Little Girl. You must make sure that your winter partner isn't a complete dick.  Make sure this person is nice, has a sex towel that is different from their bath towel, and isn't going to sleep with your friends.

2.  Make sure the sex is good

Lets face it, sex is a huge part of cuffing season.  If Cuffing Season was a five course meal, sex would be the damn entree.  So make sure that you are stuffed and aren't going to need to look for seconds right away.

3. Cuff Responsibly

The traditional idea behind cuffing is to have a partner for the winter and immediately end things once Sheep's Meadow selfies get taken again, but sometimes what starts off as a meeting of convenience winds up being something that lasts a little longer.  They say Barack and Michelle met during cuffing season of '85...  Try not to get too attached to your cuffing partner, however if you are still having fun by the time April rolls around and you are considering keeping it going, don't throw away something that makes you happy.

4.  Play the field

You hear people complain about not being able to meet good people all the time.  I live in New York City and I still hear friends complain every day about how hard it is to meet the right person.   You have to go out and meet people, or at least get over your hangups with Tinder, Grindr, OkCupid and the millions of other booty resources available to you and make a damn profile!  If you are more of a traditionalist and hope that the universe will provide love before an app, Cara Anthony at The Indianapolis Star has published A Singles Guide to searching for your next cuffing season Bae.


5. Keep it moving

During these atrociously frigid winter months it is easy to get lazy and make excuses for not doing daily activities.  This will force you to stay cooped up with your cuffing partner which could put a strain on the relationship and eventually ruin it before Valentine's Day.  So don't make cuffing season the priority in your life. Make sure your cuffing partner isn't going to weigh you down and don't let your cuffing relationship prevent you from being the boss bitch or big daddy that you are meant to be.

6. Don't overthink the plus one

Cuffing season also happens during the magical winter wedding months to remind you even more of your loneliness.  Make sure if you attend a wedding or holiday with your cuffing partner, that you don't get hypnotized into forgetting your slutty roots.   You will see your family and friends slowly forcing you into fantasies of you and your cuff partner living traditional lives, but just fight it and if your relatives still won't leave you alone just say, "I'm in it for the ass Aunt Leslie!   I'm getting some!"  Aunt Leslie will back off.

7.  If you wannabe my Cuffer....

You've gotta get with my friends!  Remember, during these harsh winter weeks the best people to have around are your friends.  Whether its getting through a holiday party by judging everyone around you or "continuing watching" 30 Rock for the sixth hour today, your friends are the unsung heroes of cuffing season.  They are there if you don't wind up shacking up in time, which is great,  but if you do find a partner, you want to make sure that they get along with your Ride or Dies. Your friends are the ones that are going to have to deal with you and your new partner and they've known you the longest, so trust your friends and take it as a sign if all of your friends think your cuff isn't on point, theres probably some logic in listening to those signs.  (Disregard if your version of friends are selfish  trolls that are going to hate anyone you bring in regardless of how you feel.)

8. Cuffing is more than just sex

Cuffing season is a slut's baby steps into relationships and although its all about shacking up and having companionship and sex throughout the winter, you also want to make sure your cuff isn't a complete idiot.  If she can only talk passionately about which Real Housewife is the biggest hero, or he insists that Crossfit is the only topic of conversation worth having, your partner is probably gorgeous but vapid.  Most of these cuffs will need a midseason replacements and may leave you in the middle of cuffing season lonelier than ever with only the Cuffing Season rejects to pick from like guys who still wear Abercrombie "Fierce" and girls with Bumpits.  So think with your brain not with your G-spot (Men have G spots too)

9.  Have fun

No matter what, dating is about having a good time and meeting someone that may potentially affect the rest of your life.  Make sure that on the first date you aren't thinking of any of that.  If it is your goal to have a cuffing relationship eventually turn into a real relationship, you have to lay the foundation as a cuffer first.  Even if you are a total Charlotte, make sure that you seem independent and self confident.  No one is going to want to shack up with someone with a vision board that has a bunch of wedding dresses on it or hear how your mother is dying to have a new daughter in the house.  Keep it cool and have fun, you guys!

9.  Get F*cked

The whole point of cuffing season!  Have great winter sex in order to stop you from regretting every decision you've made since high school.  Whether you plan on cuffing just for the hell of it, or you are looking for the next big relationship of your life, always make sure you are having the best possible sex you can be having.  If you aren't, go find some!  Be safe, wear condoms, and respect yourself and others.

10.  Play Fair

Finally remember that even cuffing relationships take time, energy and patience.  You are two people trying to survive together.  Just because YOU see your cuff as a definite solution to your loneliness and the next person that is going to be great for you, doesn't necessarily mean that that person feels the same way.  You cannot force someone to like you or to continue sleeping with you even if you know that it would help them or that you would have a successful, fun, sexy relationship. Don't be a dick, but don't be too available.  The only thing you should do is play fair.  Communicate with your partner, get what you both need out of the relationship, compromise for the greater good and respect each other.  Thats the only way to ensure a completely successful cuffing relationship.


If all else fails and you wind up alone in the middle of February with 15 extra pounds, a paid subscription to J date and no one to sleep next to, book a damn vacation and get yours in the Caribbean!  Invest in your damn self instead of a cuffing partner, chase the money until you have enough for a vacation and find yourself some island ass.  Either way, may Santa bring all of you a lovely P or V to cuddle with for the holiday season.


Happy Holidays Hoes!

Sunday Feels

A little Sunday inspiration that we found. Remember, that even when you're single, packing on a lot of winter weight and the best communication you've had all week is telling Netflix to 'Continue Watching,' your day can always turn around and work out for the best. So start your days with a smile and a strut. Good things are coming this week! (Specifically turkey!)

For the Mamas and the Papas

To keeping it real despite the dirt monsters that came from your loins....

Let's not get ahead of ourselves...

heart·beat

ˈhärtˌbēt/

noun

1. the pulsation of the heart.

   • a single pulsation of the heart.

     "her heartbeats steadied"

   
   

In case you had any confusion.